True Story: What I Learned When My Father Committed Suicide

What you can learn from the hardest day of your life.

Experiencing the suicide of a parent is one of the most difficult things I have ever endured.There are so many unanswered questions that can haunt you if you let them.

Grief is a process that can take time and is very personal; we all experience it differently.

But as hard as it can be, there are many lessons and blessings that can be learned from a tragedy like this.

Here are 5 positive things that I learned when my dad committed suicide that I hope can help you with your grief and healing process.

1. Acceptance.

It’s basically impossible to not think about the “what if’s” or the “shoulda, coulda’s” when they cross your mind. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t enter my mind from time to time.

However, the only thing they ensure is more pain! If there was something we could have done to prevent my dad from committing suicide, we would have.

Many emotions surface at times like these including anger, grief, envy, and fear. It is important to sit with your emotions and not push them away. It is important to give yourself the chance to fully grieve.

Once you have grieved, you can then learn acceptance. Only then can you have some semblance of peace.

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2. There Is Always a Lesson and a Gift Even in the Darkest of Circumstances.

Finding a lesson in something that feels so tragic isn’t easy.

It’s important to experience your feelings if you really want to heal. In our culture, we are told to feel a certain way when something tragic happens. We are taught that guilt and shame are part of who we are. This doesn’t have to be the case.

One way that I have found that makes any problem or tragedy easier to handle is by looking for a lesson or a gift in it.

There may never be a perfect time to start the healing, so choose to do it now.

Here’s an exercise to help:

• Think of a situation that causes you pain. That may have caused you to feel guilt, shame, or to blame others.
• Take a deep breath as you remember the person or people involved and take a step back from the situation; like you are watching a movie.
• What could possibly be learned from this situation?
• How can I live my life differently?
• How can I grow from what happened?
• Write down what you could have learned.
• Can you see how you were able to grow as a person because of this lesson? (Remember, some of the greatest personal growth comes through pain!)

3. Good Luck, Bad Luck…Who Knows?

When something painful happens, people immediately want to put a label on it. Your assumptions or judgments cause you more pain than anything else.

There is a great story about a Chinese farmer that I use with my clients to make this point:

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

The lesson here is acceptance, judgment and allowing divinity to make things right.

When I look back on my dad’s suicide, I know that in addition to the pain, I have received some great gifts and blessings from this tragedy.

4. Valuing Each Day and Each Breath.

I used to take life for granted

I would let myself lose days or even weeks to feeling like a victim, anger, and grief. I learned that there is a place for those things but I do not have to dwell and stay stuck.

If I choose to give my attention to drama, then I am pained. Instead, I choose to practice gratitude in my darkest moments.

9 How-To-Be-Happy Lessons EVERYONE Can Learn From The Dying

5. Finally, Don’t Let It Get Too Dark.

Sometimes it feels like society expects us to be a certain way.

Society wants you to mourn or garner revenge depending on the circumstance.

We need not garner revenge on ourselves. No matter the circumstance we did the best we could at the time with what we had.

The best thing we can do to honor ourselves and the victim is to forgive. We have two choices: we can forgive now or forgive later.

Losing a parent to suicide is tragic and sad.

But you don’t need to get stuck.

There is life on the other side.

You are allowed to experience joy. You can celebrate and talk about your friend or relative.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Things I Learned When My Dad Committed Suicide.

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How to Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously

“The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.” – Samuel Butler

Do you think of yourself as a serious person? Do you find little to laugh about or is it difficult to let yourself go and enjoy what you’re doing, who you’re with, what you must look forward to tomorrow? There’s a difference between being thoughtful and earnest and being serious. I like to think that seriousness must involve an important situation or problem, not a demeanor I want to portray on an everyday basis. Some might say that I’m too easygoing, but that’s not it, either. I simply want to take life as it comes, do the best I can, and be hopeful and positive in the process.

Looking back on my early life, when I was a kid and saw a much older person hobbling along with a mean and grouchy look on his face, I automatically thought, “What a sourpuss!” As children, we’re keenly intuitive to the emotions of others. We can read people well, even when they try to mask their feelings from us.

Yet I also know and remember that children are quick to forgive, easily able to see the joy in life, to laugh and cry and laugh again. I might have noticed the old man’s grumpy nature, but it didn’t stick with me or put a damper on my enthusiasm for life.

Somehow, however, many of us seem to lose some of this natural ability as we mature.

It doesn’t need to be this way. There are ways to turn that steamroller around. Instead of allowing negative emotions to lay waste to your life, make it a point to stop being so serious and find what’s good and true and hopeful. Then, maximize your enjoyment of it.

What about the things in life that are, well, serious? You can’t avoid those, right? While it’s true that you must deal with situations, people and things that may be unpleasant, painful, contradictory, horrendous, exasperating, even evil, there’s always the other side of that experience. You won’t be in it forever, although it may seem like it’s lasting far too long at the time.

Change your outlook first.

Perhaps the most difficult part is trying to change your own outlook from one that’s too focused on how terrible things are or how difficult it is to get through events or times to an attitude that allows for some breathing room, levity, and being able to see opportunities hidden within challenges.

If you’ve lost your job, been dumped by your spouse or partner, got hit by a speeding driver, had your identity stolen or experienced some other nasty or traumatic event, it’s hard enough to pick yourself up and go on, let alone do so without feeling dour, helpless and hopeless.

But you can do it, with the help of your friends and loved ones who support your efforts and will always be by your side no matter what. There’s joy and solace in knowing you have allies. That’s a positive and will help lift you up out of the seriousness of your current situation.

Look for the positive in every situation.

You also need to have the desire and fortitude to insist that you will look for the lighter side of life’s difficulties. It won’t just happen. If you go around with a grim face that mirrors your equally serious thoughts, you’ll keep on having the same outcome. The situations and experiences may change, but your attitude won’t. For that you need to vow to turn that ship around.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is short. My wish for you is what I strive to do each day: Intend to live life to the fullest, taking every opportunity to experience joy and happiness – even amid sadness, trouble and pain.

And, lest you think that I don’t know what I’m talking about, let me assure you that I’ve experienced many tragedies and much misfortune. These included surviving a car-train crash, being broadsided by a speeding tow truck, rescued unconscious from a burning building, getting shot at, robbed at knife point, given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after a near-drowning. I’ve lost both mother and father, stepfather, grandparents, aunts, a brother and several close friends. Cancer, concussions, burns, broken limbs, severe back injury and being diagnosed with atrial fibrillation are also part of my life experience. Then, there’s also the list of fractured relationships, lost loves, broken friendships and so on.

Still, through it all, I remain hopeful, upbeat, confident and joyful. While I may have had more unfortunate experiences than most people, I don’t consider myself unique or special. I also don’t get depressed or anxious or feel that I’m unlucky, star-crossed or cursed by fate.

One thing that has helped me overcome sadness, regain self-confidence, believe in myself and ardently pursue my dreams is counseling. Psychotherapy may not be for everyone, but for those with overwhelming problems and emotional difficulties, it can be a life-saver. Therapy also helps reaffirm what’s good and true and hopeful in life.

Tips to Live By:

Everyone likes lists. They’re quick to digest and easy to remember. At least, the short ones are. Here are some quick tips to live by when you want to stop taking yourself so seriously:

• Have a goal for each day. This gives you something to look forward to.
• Begin each day with gratitude. You have a lot to be thankful for, so express that in a silent prayer as you awake.
• Let go of grudges. They’re counter-productive and lessen your joy.
• Live in the present. Now is the only time you can act, not yesterday or tomorrow. Be conscious of this moment, fully aware and present. This helps maximize your joy of experiences and relationships.
• If you make a mistake, learn from it. You’re only human, after all, and humans make mistakes. By finding the lesson in the mistake, you add to your knowledge and increase your problem-solving ability so that you’re more confident the next time.
• Pursue your interests and dreams. Life is enriched when you go after what you passionately believe in or desire to experience.

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Best of Our Blogs: June 30, 2017

I think the reason why many of us don’t take care of ourselves is not because we don’t believe it’s important. We don’t do what we need to do, because it requires us to do the hard stuff.

We’re forced to put up boundaries.

We’re forced to confront issues, people and situations we would rather deny and avoid.

Instead of running or escaping, we’re face to face with the thing, and it can either make us tough, gritty and self-confident or it can bury us deeper in self-denial and resentment.

It’s not easy to do the hard thing. Sometimes we’re just not up for it. Real positive transformation requires us to get courageous, show our true feelings, and feel the fear of being judged and do it anyway.

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How is Your Emotional Wellness? Find Out with This Emotional Wellness Quiz!
(Psychoeducation in Psychotherapy) – Think you’re pretty healthy? This may surprise you.

12 Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – For now, you’re stuck in a relationship with a narcissist. Here’s what you need to do to protect yourself.

Narcissists Say “Mistakes Must Not Be Made”
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Are you an over-apologizer? This could explain why.

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Introspection for Blamers and Shamers

Some people in this world are expert blamers and shamers. Perhaps you know one. It begins with the need to blame: You did something bad. How could you have done this? Then it easily slides into the need to shame: You are something bad. What is the matter with you?

When something goes wrong, it can never be an accident, a random act of nature, a simple mistake, a lack of judgment, or a moment of inattentiveness. It cannot even be a misdemeanor. No, no, no, no, no! It’s got to be a felony.

Accidents are not allowed to happen. You heard me. No accidents. Somebody has to be blamed. And, amazingly enough, the finger is always pointed outwards.

• In a traffic jam? – “This wouldn’t have happened if you were ready on time”.
• A noisy appliance? – “If you used it right, it wouldn’t be making that noise.”
• A relationship problem? – “Just get to the point and fix it instead of talking so much!”

It’s no secret that Hal is a blame-based person. A “type A” personality and perfectionist, he’s one tough guy to deal with when something goes wrong. You can count on being the target of his anger if you’re within striking distance or have anything to do with his frustration.

Hal is not the kind of guy whose anger might suggest the need for an order of protection. Indeed, he has contempt for anyone who would hit a woman or wreck a house. He is a responsible guy. Others just need to be as responsible as he is.

For him, everything is judgment. Good or bad. Right or wrong. He’s got zero tolerance for carelessness, lateness or irresponsibility. Do what you’re supposed to do, the way it should be done and on time! No excuses!

Can someone like Hal loosen up? Not right away. Yet, what may start the change process is an unpleasant encounter in which he begins to think that maybe he’s done something harsh or hurtful.

For Hal, it began when he drove Jason, his 8-year-old son, to the softball game. When they arrived, Hal saw that the game had already begun. Of course, he blamed Jason for “making him” misread the schedule, because of his fooling around. Jason rushed from the car, tears in his eyes. When his coach asked him why he was late, he shrugged, “I don’t know. I never do anything right.”

At that moment, something clicked. Hal recognized how damaging his blaming was to Jason’s self-esteem. Yes, he wanted him to be more responsible. Yes, he wanted him to be more attentive. But, he didn’t want to make his son miserable. Indeed, he wanted to build up his pride and ego.

But, a blame-based person does not easily change his ways. Seeking someone to blame was in Hal’s blood. It was his way of trying to keep the control, trying to make things right.

Over time, however, Hal learned to appreciate that when things go wrong, it’s not always necessary to blame someone. Sometimes the problem is just situational (more traffic than expected),  organizational (the mailing was late), technological (the website was down), or human nature (people make mistakes).

Still, it took Hal a while before he was willing to examine the roots of his need to blame. To reflect on why control was so important to him. To remember how he felt as a kid when he was on the receiving end of the blame.

Hal never did become an introspective person who loved to delve deep into his psyche. Indeed, that would have required a personality transplant. But there definitely was a mellowing process. A chilling out. A lighter, less blaming and shaming way of looking at life and all its myriad problems.

The result: A less intense Hal, a happier son, a more relaxed wife. Not too shabby, I would say.

©2017

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Aging Wisely

We all have something in common. We’re getting older. While this fact might delight children who can’t wait to be “grown-ups,” it is often a source of angst for those of us who have already “grown up.” There are approximately 76 million baby boomers in the United States, and their ages range from early fifties to early seventies. It’s not surprising that this demographic is often bombarded by the media with anti-aging everything: skin creams for every part of our bodies, miracle “cures” for our wrinkles, youthful colors for our hair. They all promise to make us look younger — to fix us. Botox and facelifts have become the norm for many people (men and women), and again, there is cosmetic surgery available for almost every part of our bodies.

Well what’s wrong with that, you might ask? What’s wrong with wanting to look better (though “better” is subjective)? I get that and I know that looking good can translate into feeling good. To be perfectly honest, as someone who is well into the baby-boomer age range, I dye my hair. I’ve easily resisted all the other anti-aging remedies, but can’t seem to come to grips with having gray hair. I would look so old.

And that’s the big issue here, I believe. We as a society are resisting aging instead of embracing it. Instead of reveling in our gray hair or well-earned wrinkles, we despise them. Instead of marveling at our aging bodies and how they have stood the test of time, we are repulsed by them. Instead of recognizing and valuing the wisdom and compassion that come from age and our life experiences, we fixate on our failing memories and decreased stamina.

We focus on what we have lost, not what we have gained. And this attitude hurts us.

This study, published in 2012 in The Journal of the American Medical Association, examined the relationship between attitudes about aging and recovery from disabilities. Researchers found that seniors who have positive outlooks on aging are forty percent more likely to recover from a disability than those with negative attitudes.

So how can we feel better about aging? Is it as simple as ignoring the anti-aging ads on television? Maybe not, but it’s a start. Like so many things, it’s all about how we look at it — how we choose to view ourselves and those around us.

Surely feeling well can help us look at aging in a more positive light. Living a healthy lifestyle as we age not only benefits our bodies, but also our minds. For example, eating a healthy diet can stave off illnesses such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and possibly dementia. Getting enough sleep might also reduce our risk for these diseases. Exercising not only keeps us limber, but also releases those all-important endorphins which trigger positive feelings. Socializing and continuing to explore our passions are important as we age and studies have shown that those with a vibrant social circle live longer than those with few social ties.

The bottom line is we cannot change the fact that we are aging, but we can change how we view the process. When we talk with children who can’t wait to grow up, we often say, “What’s the rush? Enjoy being young. Enjoy NOW.” Well, the same outlook should apply to all of us. We can’t turn back time any more than we can fast forward it, but we can be mindful and embrace this moment we are in right now. Let’s age wisely by not trying to hold on to the past, or by dwelling on the future. Let’s live our lives in the best possible way — today.

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Podcast: What Can We Learn from the Michelle Carter Texting Suicide Case?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales examine the recent case of Michelle Carter, a young woman in Massachusetts who was tried for involuntary manslaughter in the suicide of her eighteen-year old friend, Conrad Roy, based primarily on a series of text messages and phone calls. In what came as a shock to many, Carter was found guilty. The trial focused on extensive messages between the two, especially in the month leading up to Roy’s death, in which it is shown that the then seventeen-year old Carter went from urging Roy to seek help to actively helping him plan for his own death and, finally, to blatantly urging him to take his own life.

Show Highlights:

 
[0:34]         The background of the Michelle Carter case.

[2:35]         We live in a country that doesn’t take suicide seriously.

[3:36]         How culpable should a teenager be when it comes to another’s suicide?

[5:51]         Examining some of the text messages leading to Roy’s suicide.

[8:54]         Carter goes from wanting Roy to get help to actively helping plan his death.

[11:58]       What about Carter’s own state of mind?

[14:46]       The turning point – why she was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter.

[17:26]       How Carter could have handled the situation better.

 

Listen as Our Guest Discuss the Michelle Carter Case

“This is a tragic case involving young people and, hopefully, the country learns something from this. That’s really the best, as an advocate, that I can hope for” ~ Gabe Howard

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Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

 

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at http://ift.tt/2fH3c3L and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

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A Successful Relationship Requires Complete Authenticity

It’s time to get real.

Recently I was at Sex Geek Conservatory with Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex and Cathy Vartuli of The Intimacy Dojo. They had us do an exercise in which we took two minutes each to teach one simple concept.

As I thought about the concept I would teach, I realized that the most important piece of relationship advice I could give to someone who wants to be happy would be the advice to always be yourself and to always be authentic in all aspects of your life, and especially in your romantic relationships.

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I learned this lesson for myself the hard way.

I was in a relationship for four years that was great on paper. By being in that particular relationship, I was doing exactly what everyone told me I should be doing. I got married. I did the monogamy thing.

It was what everyone else I knew thought that I should do, but what I was really doing was making myself miserable.

I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel healthy. That kind of relationship didn’t work for me and that wasn’t because there was anything necessarily wrong with my partner — or because there’s anything necessarily wrong with being monogamous or being in a traditional marriage.

The relationship was wrong for me because that particular kind of relationship doesn’t fit authentically with who I am.

I was trying to be someone else in order to make other people happy and I learned that you can’t do that. You can’t be anyone but who you are. You have to be yourself. That is the only way that you can truly be happy.

I thought I was willing to accept a life of misery because it was what other people wanted me to have.

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But now that I live this life — now that I’m being authentic and happy and joyful — yeah, there are some people who don’t like me as much. I don’t necessarily fit in with them the same way I used to. But at least I’m being true to myself. I’m doing what I know I need to do for me.

That’s the one piece of relationship advice I would give anyone who wants to know how to be happy: You have to do right by yourself.

You are the only person you have at the end of the day and if you’re trying to do something because it’s what makes other people happy rather than it’s because what feels authentic for you, you’re never going to be as happy as you could be.

So be authentic. Be you. Be real.

Do what it is that you want to do. Find that space to be fearlessly yourself and live from there.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: You’ll Never Be Truly Happy In A Relationship If You’re Not 100% Authentic.

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9 Warning Signs of Exercise Addiction

Have you ever heard the saying, “Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing?”

When used moderately to maintain physical and mental health, or when used in conjunction with an appropriate amount of nourishment, exercise has a whole host of incredible benefits.

But, in the case of exercise, too much of a good thing can yield negative consequences.

Exercise addiction is something that impacts thousands of people and can be conceptualized like other process and substance addictions. It’s not a formal clinical diagnosis, but rather a behavioral condition often rooted within other issues — such as distorted body image or eating disorders.

So how much exercise is too much exercise? That can be difficult to answer without knowing the unique circumstances surrounding each individual, but here are some universal signs to look out for:

1. Missing a workout makes you irritable, anxious or depressed. For instance, if you notice yourself or someone you know becoming clearly agitated or uncomfortable after missing a workout, even after a long string of consecutive days of exercising, it could be a warning sign.
2. You work out when sick, injured or exhausted. It is important to listen to your body’s cues. Those who have an addiction to exercise push themselves through a pulled muscle, the flu or even a stress fracture, failing to rest even when rest is clearly needed.
3. Exercise becomes a way to escape. The primary goal is no longer balancing the mind or reducing stress. Exercise becomes a way to withdraw from certain life situations and the emotions that are brought up because of them. Clinical interventions, such as talk therapy and expressive therapy, are safe and adaptive ways to address uncomfortable emotions, and should be used when needed.
4. Workouts start to impact relationships. When you notice that you are spending more time training than you spend with a spouse, or opt to stay at the gym instead of attending get-togethers with friends, it could be indicative of an unhealthy relationship with exercise. As with any eating disorder, exercise addicts tend to withdraw and isolate themselves from their friends and family in order to continue unhealthy behaviors.
5. Other priorities suffer. In a similar vein, someone who frequently misses work deadlines or a child’s soccer games because exercise is viewed as more significant in the grand scheme of things is showing a sign of exercise addiction.
6. Happiness is re-defined. For those who are exercise addicts, mood or happiness may be dictated solely by the outcome of the latest workout, how their body looks on that given day or how fit they currently perceive themselves to be.
7. You continually extend workouts. It is quite common for someone struggling with an exercise addiction to add on workouts wherever they can, whether it’s extra reps on the bench press or running home after a hard soccer practice.
8. You work out excessively. Some marathon training programs call for “two-a-days” to build mileage, but consistently doing this — without any specific training goal and without being monitored by a medical professional — could result in negative mental and physical ramifications.
9. Exercise loses the element of play and fun. Dr. George Sheehan, author of Running & Being, says it perfectly, “The things we do with our bodies should be done merely because they are fun – not because they serve some serious purpose. If we are not doing something that is enjoyable on its own account we should look for something that is.” Exercise needs to be fun, not viewed as a chore or “must-do” when you simply don’t feel up to it.

It’s important to note these red flags don’t necessarily mean someone is addicted to exercise; rather, they provide an outline of universal symptoms that CAN be indicators that a greater problem exists. If the above statements describe your experience, please consider discussing your concern with a professional.

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10 Summer Depression Busters

Although my mood seems to be better with more sun, I understand why a substantial number of folks get more depressed in the summer. Extreme heat is hard to tolerate. In fact, in a study published in Science in 2013, researchers reported that as temperatures rose, the frequency of interpersonal violence increased by 4 percent, and intergroup conflicts by 14 percent.

There are four distinct types of people when it comes to weather and mood, according to a study published in Emotion in 2011.

• Summer Lovers (better mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Unaffected (weak associations between weather and mood)
• Summer Haters (worse mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Rain Haters (particularly bad mood on rainy days)

Ten percent of those diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder suffer symptoms at the brightest time of the year. The summer’s brutal heat, bright light, and long days can affect a person’s circadian rhythm and contribute to depression for the opposite reasons that winter conditions do.

If you’re a Summer Hater, or just notice that your mood is affected negatively by the heat, here are some summer depression busters that may help you better tolerate these months — maybe even enjoy them.

1. Plan Something Fun

You don’t need to plan some elaborate cross-country trip that’s going to deplete your savings. Just taking off an afternoon to have lunch with a friend or go kayaking by yourself can be a pleasant break and something to look forward to. When I was working through a severe depression, someone told me to plan something enjoyable every few weeks to keep me motivated to keep going. Scheduling fun activities sporadically throughout the summer might help carry you through some hot afternoons.

2. Be Around People

It can be as tempting to isolate yourself during the summer months as during the winter months, especially if you have body image issues and don’t like showing your legs and arms. But isolation breeds depression, especially if you’re a ruminator like I am. You don’t need to hang out poolside with a crowd of people in order to connect with friends. Sometimes just picking up the phone is enough to fend off depression and anxiety.

3. Add Some Structure

Summer is typically more relaxed, which is why some people look forward to the season all year. It’s nice not having to get the kids out of the door at 7:30 a.m., lunches packed. But those of us who are prone to depression do better when we have some structure to our day. If you don’t work outside the house, you may have to design this structure during the summer months and dig deep for the discipline to stick with it.

4. Stay on Your Sleep Schedule

Related to the last point, it’s easy to get off a regular sleep schedule in the summer if you don’t have anywhere you have to be at 7:30 in the morning. A few days of sleeping in feel great, but an aberrant sleep schedule is a slippery slope to depression for many of us. Even if the day’s events are changing from week to week, make sure to keep your sleep schedule the same: Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every morning. Try not to sleep much less than seven hours and no more than nine hours a night.

5. Hydrate

Dehydration is one of the conditions I mentioned in my post 6 Conditions That Feel Like Clinical Depression But Aren’t. It sneaks up on you, because by the time you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated. According to two studies conducted at the University of Connecticut’s Human Performance Laboratory, even mild dehydration can alter a person’s mood.

Dehydration causes a shortage of tryptophan, an important amino acid that is converted to serotonin in the brain. Our bodies can’t detoxify when there is a shortage of water, so tryptophan isn’t distributed to the necessary parts of the brain. Low levels of amino acids in the body can contribute to depression, anxiety, and irritability. A good way to make sure you’re drinking enough is to calculate how much water you should be drinking based on your weight, height, and age, and then fill up two or three containers equaling that amount of water and stick it in the fridge each night before you go to bed. Each day, try to drink enough to empty the containers.

6. Eat Mood-Boosting Foods

It’s not uncommon to eat more sweets and drink fancy, fruity drinks during the summer. But sugar is poison to depression. For one, it causes spikes and drops in glucose, and your brain does much better when it has an even supply of blood sugar. Processed foods — those that come in pretty packages listing a bunch of ingredients you can’t pronounce — aren’t going to help your depression either. During these hot months, stick with foods that can boost your mood, like turkey, pumpkin seeds, fatty fish, walnuts, turmeric, dark leafy greens, avocados, berries, and dark chocolate. I try my best to be sure and pack some nuts and seeds if I’m going to a picnic because the average American picnic is not supplied with brain food. And even one day of eating processed junk, and especially sugar, will do a number on my mood.

7. Get to the Water

Hanging out near water is one strategy for calming down your nervous system that Elaine Aron offers in her book The Highly Sensitive Person. She writes, “Water helps in many ways … Walk beside some water, look at it, listen to it. Get into some if you can, for a bath or swim.”

I find this to be especially true during the summer. I love to run by the Severn River, or walk to Back Creek at the end of my street, or have my lunch on the dock by Spa Creek. I find that being close to the water does calm me down and reminds me what I like most about summer.

8. Avoid Diet Soda

It’s easy to grab a Diet Coke when you feel hot and thirsty, but a study by the National Institutes of Health (presented at the 2013 American Academy of Neurology meeting) showed that people who drink four or more cans of diet soda daily are about 30 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression than people who don’t drink soda.

People with mood disorders are especially sensitive to the superficial sweeter aspartame in most diet sodas. In fact, a 1993 study conducted by Ralph Walton, MD, of Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine found that there was a significant difference between aspartame and placebo in both number and severity of symptoms for people with a history of depression, but not so for persons with no history of a mood disorder.

9. Replace Your Depression Triggers

In their book Extinguishing Anxiety, authors Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle explain that in order to retrain the brain from associating a negative event to a trigger that creates anxiety, we must generate new connections by exposure.

So, for me, I need to replace memories of depression relapses in the summer (which trigger anxiety for me during the summer) with positive summer events. One way I’m doing this is by getting involved in the kids’ golfing events. It gives me joy to see them learn a new activity and it generates happy memories of my dad taking my three sisters and me for a ride on the golf cart when we were young.

10. Try Something New

Summer is a great time to try a new activity. Ten years ago, when I was emerging from a severe depressive episode, I took a tennis class with about 20 other women. It was one of the best things I ever did to move past the depression. I still remember the evening that I thought to myself, in the midst of executing a volley, “I am going to beat this thing” (the depression, not the ball).

For the last few summers, I’ve tried new things: kayaking, paddle boarding, and open-water swimming. Each activity has helped my mood because it not only distracts me from ruminations, but the process of learning a sport gives me confidence. Neurologists have found that trying something new essentially rewires our brain. In the process of learning, our neurons become wired together.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2sgVUut

When Being a Pessimist Can Be a Good Thing

A positive attitude is often touted as a secret ingredient to entrepreneurial success. And it’s true: your outlook can impact everything from your sales numbers to your mental health.

But blind optimism can leave you ill-prepared for stressful situations. And as every entrepreneur knows, pressure is par for the course when running a business.

A new theory posits that a certain type of negative thinking can actually be beneficial for anticipating challenges. This strategy, known as defensive pessimism, suggests planning for worst-case scenarios can be more effective than trying to think positively all the time.

Defensive pessimism involves vividly imaging challenges that may arise, then envisioning steps to conquer problems. This practice helps re-direct anxiety toward productive activity.

Leveraging the power of defensive pessimism can prepare you for uncertainty, which is an indispensable skill every entrepreneur needs.

Here’s how defensive pessimism can have positive impact:

You’ll be more productive

Blind optimists who rationalize that “everything will be fine” may avoid red flags signaling a bad decision or fall victim to procrastination, failing to take necessary precautions.

Defensive pessimists, on the other hand, use mental rehearsal to come up with plans for handling problems. When faced with a challenge, they spring into action by reaching out to others rather than retreating. They open themselves up to new information and options instead of remaining in their own echo chamber.

You’ll always be prepared

Many entrepreneurs can relate to feeling certain a pitch will land­, only to panic when a meeting unexpectedly goes south. Defensive pessimists are at an advantage at times like these.

Before ever entering a high-stakes scenario, they prepare thoroughly by anticipating tough questions and possible objections, for example. This foresight helps defensive pessimists stay flexible (and not freak out) when the pressure is on.

You’ll be more confident

Positivity often backfires in stressful situations like negotiations or public speaking. Telling yourself to “cheer up and look on the bright side” when your business is on the line dismisses your true feelings, which only amplifies worries. You may beat yourself for being incapable or otherwise unqualified. And when distorted thinking takes over, you can’t perform at your best.

Defensive pessimists use constructive self-talk to motivate themselves. They realize that professional and personal growth entails discomfort, which is reflected in their mindset. They don’t internalize setbacks or see obstacles as personal failings. Instead, their internal dialogue focuses on asking themselves what they can learn or how they can do better next time.

You’ll learn to take calculated risks

Research shows that when CEOs are overly optimistic, they take on more debt — potentially placing their companies in jeopardy. Defensive pessimism safeguards against unhealthy risk by channeling realistic thinking.

For example, faced with a choice whether to open another storefront, a defensive pessimist would analyze possible negative outcome before deciding, whereas a pure optimist might decide to bet their life savings on the venture with no back-up plan.

Of course, this approach differs from dispositional pessimism­, which is characterized by pervasive fatalistic thinking that’s unhealthy. The idea behind defensive pessimism is to put negative thinking in check before it spirals out of control. You use realistic imagining of unfavorable outcomes to motivate and prepare yourself to rise to the challenge, instead of ruminating.

Curious if you’re a defensive pessimist? You can take a test from the experts to find out.

Even if you’re generally more of an optimist, it’s worth giving defensive pessimism a try. You never know what you might learn from looking at things from another angle.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2sOc4tZ