What Determines Your Success?

Throughout life we are faced with many tasks in which we either experience failure or success. Some of these tasks are profession-oriented such as completing our education or building a stable career. Others are more personal in nature, like finding a compatible romantic companion or achieving health and fitness goals.

How you define success in these areas has a lot to do with what your beliefs are about what determines your success. 

Consider this scenario: You and another colleague are being considered for a promotion. Your educational background is very similar. Your performance at work is comparable. In many ways, you stand on equal footing for this evaluation. But for some reason, you are awarded the job. 

Congratulations! To what do you attribute this success? Was it your extra effort and hard work? Or was it just good timing that made you the lucky candidate, standing out above the competition?

When it comes to determining what controls our success, we typically fall into one of two types:

• If you believe in phenomenon such as fate or luck, or attribute much of your well-being to your circumstances and surroundings, you might fall into the category of having an external locus of control. 
• If you believe that your success is driven from what you alone can achieve and that ultimately you are the one responsible for those achievements, you might have an internal locus of control. 

The word locus, in this case, means a particular point, place, or position from which your perception of control is derived. There can be advantages and disadvantages to having either an internal or external locus of control. For those with an external locus of control, it can sometimes feel like very little is within your control, you are at the mercy of what happens to you, or others around you. But having an internal locus of control can sometimes make us too hard on ourselves, taking responsibility for events we perceive as a personal failure, when the reality may be it’s just out of our control entirely. 

Your locus of control can also affect motivation. If I believe that some external factor determines my success, I may not be as motivated to put into action something I care about. On the other hand, if I believe I am solely responsible for my work, I may be more creative and determined in my efforts. As with anything, balancing the two ends of the spectrum is ideal. Considering where I fall in the realm of each has helped me move the scale to a realistic place, resisting extremes of blaming myself or feeling out of control, into a more neutral zone, acknowledging that both play a role in my overall success. 

Where does the locus of control originate? Research suggests there may be some amount of genetics involved in shaping this source of motivation, but there is also a strong connection to the experiences of early childhood development. What you may have been exposed to in how your parents viewed their own limitations and power in controlling life likely influenced your development of your own sense of what you are capable of and what determines your success or failure. Cultural exposure can also play a role. If mythology and spirituality is a focus of your culture and upbringing, it is understandable you may be more inclined to give weight to external points of control. 

It used to be a running joke between my sister and I that when one negative circumstance after another seemed to be snowballing around us, as those things sometimes do, we would laugh and remind ourselves of this encouragement, “Good thing I have an internal locus of control!” Meaning, we are capable of moving forward despite external factors. It was a funny way to lighten the tension, but the sentiment rings true. 

It can be empowering to take control of your own life and take action toward goals you want to materialize and acknowledge that you do not have to be a victim of your circumstances, you are not at the mercy of the cards you are dealt. The first step is knowing where you fall on this spectrum between internal and external control and moving toward a balanced view of both.

In his 1946 book Man’s Search For Meaning Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl wrote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I think he would know something about the importance of an internal locus of control. That even in the worst of circumstances, with all the odds against us, we still hold the inherent power of interpreting the meaning of our lives and how we choose to move forward.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2xBQz0R

Is Past Trauma Affecting Your Relationship?

How early parent-child relationships affect adult romantic relationships.

Our early experiences with those closest to us shape how we understand the nature of relationships. During these early years, we develop our attachment style. Attachment style influences who we fall in love with, how we behave in romantic relationships, and even how the relationship ends. 

As we grow, the level of security that feel in our most important relationships, the tactics that we develop to get our needs met, and the coping strategies that we apply to manage our strongest feelings all strongly affect the attachment style that we develop.¹

Secure vs Insecure Attachment Styles

If our parents or main caregivers responded to our needs in predictable and supportive ways while we were growing up, we were likely to develop a secure attachment style.² Secure attachment is the result of our understanding that we were worthy of love and we can depend on those around us for support. 

In contrast, if we had unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, or even hostile caregivers, we were likely to develop an insecure attachment style. 

Insecure-anxious or Insecure-avoidant

Those with an insecure attachment style usually fall into one of two categories: insecure-anxious or insecure-avoidant. 

Individuals with an insecure-anxious attachment style tend to need constant reassurance from their partners. They fear abandonment and can have difficulties trusting that they are loved and worthy of love. Insecure-anxious people have difficulty managing their emotions on their own. They feel emotions intensely. When upset, upset they need help from others in order to feel better.

Those with an insecure-avoidant attachment style use the opposite kind of behavior as a coping strategy in relationships. Avoidant individuals suppress their emotions and seek distance. Contrary to what it looks like, the avoidant seeks distance in order to maintain connection in their relationship. Many avoidant individuals have learned that being vulnerable and seeking closeness will drive people away. They may also become uncomfortable when others get too emotionally close as it is not something they are used to. This can, for obvious reasons, cause difficulties in romantic relationships. 

The underlying rationale for the behavior of both insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant is the same, to maintain closeness in the relationship, but the expression in behavior is different.

The Influence of Past Trauma on Attachment Style

From an evolutionary standpoint, developing a relationship with the primary caregiver is the most essential task. A child needs this relationship for survival.

During childhood we are especially hardwired for connection and closeness. Beyond the need for food and material sustenance, infants and children are just not biologically mature enough to cope with strong emotions such as fear and deep sadness that come from a lack of support and connection with an adult. As a result, children need the adults in our lives to do more than just take care of physical needs. As babies, toddlers, children, and adolescents we need adults to provide emotional support and comfort when we are afraid or upset.³

In the case of abusive or neglectful caregivers, the child is faced with an unresolvable dilemma that stems from the fact that the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. As the child grows into adulthood, they have difficulty trusting in relationships. Moreover, adults with a history of trauma often seek out partners who feel familiar. As a result, many of these adult relationships are unhealthy and possibly abusive. 

Can your attachment style change?

If you know your attachment style is insecure, or if you seem to be attracted to abusive or unavailable partners, you can take steps to change. Attachment styles are not permanent and can be altered depending on your ongoing experience with relationships. 

Working with a therapist can help you build the skills to manage your own emotions. A therapist can help you develop healthy coping strategies based on your own strengths. When you have security within yourself, you are then able to develop security in your relationships. The good news is that it all starts with you. 

You can develop the changes within yourself to bring about your own wellbeing. This is an empowered approach and allows you to take control of how you feel rather than being dependent on those who may or may not show up when you need them. When you develop your own strength and security you can also develop secure and healthy relationships. 

References

1. Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281.
2. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.
3. Purnell, C. (2010). Childhood trauma and adult attachment. Healthcare Counselling and Psychotherapy Journal, 10(2), 1-7.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2S1F24E