Declaring Your Purpose

According to the Dictionary of Word Origins, the word “purpose” comes from the Latin word proponere, which means “to declare” or “to put forward.” The word “declaration” invokes such a sense of strength for me. It is a powerful word. It is hard to make a declaration meekly. A person doesn’t “timidly” make a declaration. The very sentence, “he ambivalently declared his position” sounds rather nonsensical. I am also willing to wager that the founding fathers of the United States did not consider titling the Declaration of Independence the Proposal of Independence or the Suggestion of Independence.

Have you ever stopped to consider what you want your personal declaration to sound like and communicate? We all make declarations every day. Sometimes, these declarations are overt, but more often, they are silent or subconsciously communicated by our actions, our body language, and even our thoughts. 

Today, I invite you to write your own Declaration of Independence. It’s OK if you haven’t been living in alignment with this declaration — the mere act of determining who you want to be and how you want to show up is incredibly powerful. Don’t just think about what you would want to write — actually spend some time jotting it down. For example, you might decide to declare your independence from your mother and father if you struggle to see, act, or treat yourself like an adult because you continue to yield to their decisions for your life or if you. Or you might choose to write yourself a declaration of independence from your harsh inner critic, your perfectionism, your “should” monster, or your people-pleaser. You may even decide to write a declaration of independence from overworking or thinking too much, if doing so is compromising your relationships or if it is getting in the way of your taking necessary action.

Declaring your independence is an empowering tool that can help you step into the unknown that we must all face and that we all (to varying degrees) fear. To declare one’s independence is to declare oneself worthy of such a declaration. Without such a declaration we are often left stuck in unhelpful patterns and habits and guessing at our life’s purpose.

My bottom-line hope and request to every person (including myself!) is to not give up and not to quit on your declaration when enforcing it gets difficult. Rest when you must but commit to getting back up when you can, continuing to move forward, no matter how slow the progress is and even when you are convinced that you don’t have it in you to keep going.

This likely sounds discouraging — and it is — but the fact is that most challenges in our lives will not fit into neat packages. Often what we need most is to stop digging the holes we are digging, take a deep breath and a step back, and declare independence from the internal message that tells us to give up.

When I have refused to quit and give up on myself, I have often felt awful and worn down at the end of the day, but my self-respect remained intact. Remember: there is often a big difference between how you are feeling and how you are doing. You may be doing well (that is to say, that you remain committed in thought and action to taking care of yourself, for example), but you can still feel horrible. In my experience, when we’re learning to take responsibility for ourselves, it definitely is one of those darker before dawn times!

Ask yourself:

• What is the relationship between the way you are feeling and what you are doing right now? What might be impacting each? How would you like to be doing?
• What is one thing you would like to declare independence from? What has or is preventing you from doing so?

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Finding Mental & Emotional Support Now That You’re Sober

PSA: there’s some text missing from the headlines popping up lately that show quitting drinking improves women’s mental health.

Essentially, the findings of the Canadian Medical Association Journal are that not drinking at all is actually better for your health than drinking when you’re stressed, no matter how much you want to lean into the whole a-glass-of-red-wine-a-day-is-good-for-you thing.

But it’s not that simple. There’s no foolproof formula like: “If I stop drinking, then my mental health will improve” (as nice as that would be).

For many of us, there’s legwork necessary for improving our mental health when we stop drinking and using drugs, in addition to simply stopping. When you stop drinking for an extended period of time (for some of us that may mean 24 hours, others, 4 weeks or 3 months), you may realize that you have symptoms of alcoholism or drug addiction, and the work you need to do to live a healthier life without substances will be outlined for you at a rehab facility, in a 12-step program, or via another form of recovery.

Or you may realize you are more of a problem drinker, who feels uncomfortable without a drink at meals, social gatherings, or after a long day, but you want to give it up for lifestyle or health reasons. You also likely have work to do for your mental health.

Why? Well, it was making you happy. It relaxed you. It calmed your anxiety. It signified fun, the loss of some inhibition, made things just a bit warmer and brighter and easier. It was a reward, it was something to do, and it was a way to cope with stress; not just day-to-day stress, but the stress of memories and past events that you carry around without even knowing and need to let go of.

If you respond internally with “Oh, darn, oh well” to the idea of a lifetime without Rosé all day, this may not pertain to you. But no matter why you drink or how often, alcohol is doing something for you. If you give it up, you may need to find another way of getting that need met. We all have (or had) our reasons, whether we’re aware of them or not, for drinking. And if it’s not just something we can just choose to leave in the interest of a more mindful yogi life or healthier gut, then it’s something we probably need to look at.

I spent a few years in my late teens and early twenties trying to stop drinking on my own. I was already in very strong recovery from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)—but I had no idea what I was in for when I took alcohol and weed out of the equation. If I wasn’t already in therapy, forget it—I don’t think I could have done it.

But what helped me the most back then were the steps, the social supports, reaching out for help, having places to go and people to see where alcohol was not present, and the continued ability to work on myself—and some other issues I didn’t know I had until I’d stopped drowning them in “social” drinks.

In your first few months to a year of stopping drinking, you’re going to need more than just a positive attitude to stay mentally healthy—especially because life will come slap it right out of you one day without warning, as life tends to do…

Find out more on getting professional help, finding social support and a sense of community, and how to practice self-care now that you’re sober in the original article Taking Care of Your Mental Health in Sobriety at The Fix.

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What Drives Us to Win?

My partner said something to me the other day that really made me think. We were watching, of all things, the Little League Baseball World Series. As we sat at the bar, eating our brunch, and watching the young athletes step up to the plate, the topic of competition and winning came up. 

That’s when he said, “I understand why people have a competitive nature, but at the same time, I don’t see how people can be happy with winning, because that always means that someone else is losing.”

Well duh, that’s the entire point of competition, I immediately thought.

But then I took as step back and began to ponder. Perhaps he had a point. It’s a perspective I have not once taken the time to consider, at least not consciously, anyway:

If I win, they lose. 

On the surface, this seems like an obvious implication. If competition were a coin, it is impossible that both sides will land face up; one side must simultaneously land face down. The state of one is dependent on the state of the other.

But as someone who has always been competitive by nature, shifting my frame of reference on this topic has proven to be more difficult than I imagined. Such a simple concept, yet never at the forefront of my mentality when in the midst of my accomplishments.

It appears that the notion of winning is centered around “I”. I scored that goal. I got that promotion. I  knew more than that other person. What we tend to forget, is the relativity of our success. 

What about the other side of the coin?

Am I saying that competition and the drive to win is an inherently egotistical endeavor? Not exactly. The conversation continued.

“I mean, I have the drive to succeed, but not the drive to hurt other people and prove myself to ‘be better’ than them,” he said.

Interesting interpretation. (Can you tell who the empathetic one in the relationship is?) This is when the gears really started turning in my head.

I began to explain how my mind processes winning in a much different manner. For me, this “be better than” comparison to my competitors has never been my driving factor. Instead, it is much more internal. 

In my mind, the culmination of my own potential far outweighs the concept of simply “being better than” another individual. The thought of any sliver of unutilized potential is what drives me to win. The only thing that I want to “be better than” is a previous version of myself. The intent to surpass my peers or competitors is not the cause for such actions, but rather a result of them. 

We both sat there, perplexed, trying to wrap our heads around these opposing views. 

That’s when something clicked for me. Those unpleasant interactions I often experienced (and still do, on occasion) throughout my life may very well have been linked to this entire concept.

“There she goes showing off again.”

“Stop bragging.”

“We get it, you’re better.”

In the past, I used to associate these types of unsolicited comments as a sign of projected insecurity. I also did not fully understood their remarks, as I was almost always intentionally removed — physically and vocally — keeping to myself, off in the distance, away from the crowd, in the background, silently perfecting my skills. 

I guess they’re just jealous they can’t do this thing that I’m doing. That doesn’t mean they need to chastise me for my efforts, sheesh. I didn’t even ask for them to look at me. And I most definitely do not seek their praise. 

Over time, I believe this led to developing insecurities within myself. 

That’s not the impression I want to give. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, honest. I’m doing this for me. I put in so much time and effort to be able to do or know something, and finally being able to precisely execute that thing is euphoric to me! Maybe I should just stop, I don’t want to be seen as a braggart. 

Yet in the midst of this conversation at the bar, I see why these responses easily become commonplace by those unlike myself. It even provided comfort and helped alleviate those insecurities. These people, who I once worked so hard to block out of my mind, simply may have viewed certain forms of superiority as a result of the desire to be better than another person, and not as a result of the desire to be better than one’s self.

In all, what I have gathered from this conversation and contemplation is this:

While the drive and desire to win is universal, the rationale behind this drive is unique to the individual.

In other words, take some time to figure out what drives you to win. Is it to utilize untapped potential within yourself? Is it to be better than your competition? A combination of both? Maybe something else. Of course, these are only two options from a long list of motivating principles. Recognition, awards, money, fame, power. The list goes on and on.

There is no right or wrong answer. But recognizing the differences between us, and what drives us, can be beneficial in understanding perceptions and actions of those around us.

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